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LaQuAnDaBaBy
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Name: Erin Shallbetter
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Birthday: 8/15/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: friends, music, guitar
Expertise: *Circa Survive, Waking Ashland, Hawthorne Heights, The Offspring, My Chemical Romance, Anberlin, Armor For Sleep, The Used, Senses Fail, From Autumn to Ashes, Atreyu, Fall Out Boy, From First to Last, Matchbook Romance, A Perfect Circle, UnderOath, Finch, Saosin, Mindless Self Indulgence, Mae, The Academy Is, Taking Back Sunday, Yellowcard, Brand New, The Starting Line, Box Car Racer, Avril Lavigne, Fenix Tx, Simple Plan, Thursday, The Postal Service, Mest, Saves the Day, Sublime, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, Green Day, Story of the Year, Hello Goodbye, Sugarcult, Coheed and Cambria, Silverstein, Weezer, The Early November, Hidden in Plain View, CKY, Incubus, Papa Roach, Smashing Pumpkins, Staind, System of a Down, The Bravery, The Killers, Linkin Park, Lost Prophets, The Deftones, Relient K, Never Heard of It, Plain White T's, New Found Glory, Blink 182, Alkaline Trio, Thrice, Dashboard Confessional, The Ataris, The All-American Rejects, Allister, AFI, and Something Corporate*
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  SuGaRwegoinDWN
Yahoo:  XxShAd0wFaLLxX
Member Since:
5/10/2004
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| it's been a long time since i updated xanga, but why not start again?? okay.. hey.. a lot of things have changed the last time i updated which was in like... 2008? damn. well anyway... since before...... i don't even know where to start. i'm 22 now. with over 27 tattoos. i have sleeves. i have my chest tattooed. i'm working on getting all the colors and ink in, on, and printed on my body. i have a myspace. it's www.myspace.com/strange__and__beautiful and my facebook is http://www.facebook.com/people/Erin-Lukar/100001179217144 but anyway, why not say how i'm truly feeling? well here it goes. i live in this apartment. i work at a grocery store which i completely hate. it feels like prison. i have to wear a uniform all day everyday when i FUCKING HATE THAT. i wish i could go and wear normal clothes and whatever the fuck i want but i can't. it's not like i work in retail. i have to wear this ugly ass uniform and be stuck in it for 7 or 8 hours on a day to day basis. i feel like i'm dead... & not truly living. i work at butera market. it's a job, but it's a shitty job. i have a lot of friends there. i'm close to a lot of girls and guys that work there. but it's all just one big fallacy. because i feel like nothing is real. i can go and reach out to everyone and everything but it makes no difference. because when it's all said and done, there not there for me. but i've always been there for them. i wish that i could work at hot topic or a store like that. i want to work at a place where i get the respect i know and deserve. i want to work at a place, where i don't have to wear a uniform, and then if you approach me, i can properly answer you with the truth, what it is, & be able to give you what's truly going on. i've been at butera for 2 years now. no one can see me for what i truly represent and what i want to truly show and how i really want to reach out to the world. it hurts me so badly... kills my pride... damn dude you don't get it man. if i had it my way,... i would want to design a clothing line. make shirts, print tee shirts, design logos....... go to college for something like that , i just haven't yet. but like i was saying. i live in this apartment all by myself.... i don't necessarily want company but at the same time i do.... i really want to be with a musician, a guy.... someone who has a lot of tattoos or ink just like me. i can only think of a few guys that i honestly have a crush on or like. no theres no one in my life now. lonlieness sucks, but i still try to make the best out of my life.... by going places.. seeing new things.. but nothing just seems to be working. i can't seem to find peace... and it's upsetting me. because i honestly feel like i've grown so much and accomplished and done so much but i've become completely numb. my uniform is black pants and a burgandy polo. it's so.... degrating to me. but i do want and need money. i wish i could do something else, i don't know why i've tried to go somewhere else.... but here's the problem. now that i've inked myself up, i don't even know where i can go to look for work. chi town tattoo?? idk wtf to do. i would enjoy your company but don't be mad if i tend to push you away. too be honest, there's not too many people that fase me. i've gotten really........ i don't even know how to explain it but my standards have risen. i don't hate everyone.... i'm just... mad at the world for some reason. i don't want to be this way anymore... i don't want to work at butera anymore. i gotta get out of there. for my own sanity. my bosses give me a hard time. they make me wear a black hoodie. i wear black on black every day. they want me to cover up my tattoos so i can't show who i truly really am to the world or anyone. they wonder why i did this to myself. & my reason is that it's all there fault. they made me this way. maybe it's not there fault. idk why this happened to me or why i did this to myself but honestly this is reality. this is truth. i need you to accept it, recognize it, and live it. i would like to talk to you, see if you can be there for me, or something like that.... i don't know if you can help me like i said............. but i really feel like i'm dying. because i won't ever get through to you... even though i'm a conqueror.... i'm strong, i'm not weak... i'm powerful! i can handle any kind of situation.... .. but damn. i feel so less than my full potential. and it sucks. i feel like shit. | | |
| so rather than writing in a diary, where no can can see or read my thoughts- i decided to come back to xanga.. and put it all on here publicly. i'm starting from a while back. i don't know if this is a good idea or not, but it's gunna kill my boredom. who knows what will come out of it. lets see where to begin...
I really want to find a lover again. Daniel Bray was the best and closest thing to a relationship i had. me and my boo bear. my soulmate- he coulda been everything i wanted until i fucked up. brutally honest thoughts- i was living with dan for 3 years. he was 5 years older than me. he moved in with my family when i was 16. being around him everyday slowly but surely built a strong and what i thought would be forever long/never ending friendship/relationship. i loved him with all of my soul. but i gave into temptation. i cheated on dan with this guy who lived down the street jason. BECAUSE HE USED TO BEAT ME PHYSICALLY. HE'D GET REALLY DRUNK OFF VODKA, SPIT, PUNCH, SMACK, AND HURT ME. that's why i left him. I WOULD TALK TO JASON BECAUSE HE GAVE ME AN OUTLET OF ESCAPE... HE TOLD ME I DIDN'T DESERVE TO GET TREATED THE WAY I WAS GETTING TREATED.... SO I BELIEVED HIM. AND WENT ALONG WITH IT. but regardless of the cheating- me and dan stayed together. you probably think i'm a crazy bitch and deserve the worst for what i did. but i feel terrible for what i've done. i lost the love of my life, the only one i thought i needed. i visited dan in missouri 2 different times. it was a 12 hour train ride just to get up there. basically, the first time was amazing. second time was out of control. i left that place forever along with dan because i got very emotionally fucked when i was there. it was terrible. i never felt wanted. i hated drinking so much. we fought. physically.. and i cut myself. worst decision ever. it was like everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did. his family didn't trust me. they asked me to piss test for them beacuse they thought i was a heavy marijuana smoker. i had feelings of hatred, and aggression.. i just wasn't happy. i thought i was being treated unfairly. but i guess i had it coming. i've made a lot of fucked up choices. i've quit on a lot of things i shouldn't have. losing dan is my fault. it was very hard. i'll never forgive myself, but i can honestly say that i'll never make that mistake ever again. i will never be unfaithful in a relationship ever again. i learned a lot from my first relationship. dan was 24, and i was 18 at the time when we separated. i still pray for forgiveness. i long to set things straight with dan too. i will fight and try my hardest to get what i want. i want to be his friend at least. but every time i speak to him, i got so upset. my heart beats 10 x faster then it usually does. seems like everytime we talk, he just says that he get over what happened, nor does he want to. whatever. we both moved on. it just sucks because i thought that dan was at least going to be a friend/companion after it all or at least give me a second chance, that hasn't happened yet. maybe one day he'll come around again. i want everything to be perfect if he does. i don't wanna dissapoint him. that's why i always tell myself.. just wait, until the time is right. have patience. be impossible to replace. dream vision, create, believe, hope, and desire. do whatever it takes, to get the man back. just so we're on the same page, some of the things i loved about dan was this- he told me he loved me like 20+ a day. he'd lay in bed with me and watch tv. we like partying and drinking beer. he would hold me close. we got to sleep with eachother everyday. he liked and wanted my attention and knew how to get it. he always made me feel like i was #1. always. he was fun, kissed me in public, held my hand, he always cared about my satisfaction. he was great in bed. he knew how to boost my confidence too. we would shower together, he'd cook me food, give me back rubs, we were basically married. he got me flowers, gave me a diamond ring 2. he was so romantic and charming. he would tell me i was beautiful. and above all, he wanted what was best for me. he didn't go along with my bad habits. he tried to make me a better/smarter/stronger person. and to make better decisions. i ask myself all the time, why did i leave him? how could i let that happen? i was a big fuckin idiot. i wanna know what you were thinking - i can't even imagine why it didn't even sink in. you never know what you got until it's gone. | | |
| what's the deal with my brain? why am i so obviously insane? in the perfect situation, i let love down the drain.
so dan moved out about 2 weeks ago. i've been having a really hard time coping with it. i'm trying to see the bright side of all this.. but it doesn't seem like there is one. change. something i've never been good at dealing with. since he's been gone our relationship has gone to shit. you would think that when we see eachother we'd have a good time and be happy with eachother... but that's not the case at all. we haven't had a good day with eachother in a very long time.. it's sad, i don't really know what to do anymore.
but besides for that, me and erin (yes, dokus) have become friends again. we were apart for 1 month.. and now we finally decided to each other again.
christmas is coming.. i still don't have a job.. no money.. no nothing, i'm screwed.
yesterday my buddy brian fucked up and got a DUI... you think that's bad... he was also caught with 3 pounds of marijuana in his car. yeah... i don't think i'll be seeing him in a very long time.
today my straightener decided to break on me. i was able to straighten one side of my head, and the other side.. well the other side was fucked.
my life is very boring.. i don't have anything else to talk about. all that i got on my mind now is getting a job and getting some self-respect for myself. hopefully i can do that. | | |
| It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am
'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again
I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know
And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done
And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone... | | |
| hello to anyone who reads this.
i haven't really talked about my life and the things that have been happening to me in quite some time.. so i think now is the time to share.
first off, i'm happy to say that today is me and my boyfriend dan's 5 month anniversary 
sadly, dan is moving out of my house probably some time in the next 2 weeks. 
we both applied for 5 different jobs.. i applied to american eagle, max and erma's, chili's, the olive garden, and outback steakhouse. i haven't gotten any calls back yet.. but i just turned them in yesterday. dan got a job at max and erma's.. i'm very happy for him. the thing that sucks about getting a job is that we can't see each other as often.. but hey, that's life for you.
me and dan are going to get our own apartment soon.. but we have to save our money.
i do not go to hersey high school anymore. it just wasn't working out for me. so now i'm currently enrolled at night school at rolling meadows. i've been there for about 3 weeks now.. and i really enjoy it. i have school monday-thursday from 5-9. on monday's and wednesday's i take pshycology and art. on tuesday's and thursday's i take english and media technology. i have to go bowling this sunday to get a PE credit. yeah, bowling. how weird is that. in order to get PE credits at night school you have to make a contract saying everything you will complete on a certain day. i'm not sure when the PE night is, i think it's on the 16th or something. i have to run the mile, do 75 sit-ups, 100 jumping jacks, 30 push-ups, 4 pull-ups, jump-rope for 5 minutes.. and some other stuff that i can't think of right now. so yeah, i think i've got my work cut out for me. i haven't done any form of physical activity in a very long time, plus the fact that i smoke.  hopefully i can get through it.
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